His, Hers, or
Hyphenated?
Solving the Surname Dilemma
By Whitney Walker and Eric
Reyes
Copyright 2005 by Whitney Walker
and Eric Reyes, all rights reserved. This article first appeared
in the print edition of Parents' Press in November, 2005.
If you're lucky, the hardest thing about being pregnant will
be choosing a name for the baby, and many parents put just as
much thought into the last name as they do the first. With more
and more women keeping their surnames after marriage, parents
must decide whether to give their child dad's last name or mom's,
and they're finding creative new ways to solve the surname dilemma.
Some change their surnames completely, while others combine two
names, alternate last names between siblings, or even drop the
family name altogether.
Back in the 1970s, forward-thinking couples gave their children
a combination of both mom's and dad's last names, and the hyphenation
trend was born. Today, hyphenated surnames are pretty universally
accepted, but they are not without drawbacks.
Morgan Mack-Rose of San Leandro, for example, took on a hyphenated
name when her parents divorced. "No doubt, hyphenated names
are a hassle," she admits. "Credit card companies can't
always do it. But names are important, and my way of acknowledging
my mom, so that's why I deal with the hassle."
When she married Charles Lowder, it felt only natural for
Mack-Rose to keep her last name, but when they had a baby, they
didn't want a three-part hyphenation. They went with Charles'
last name as a surname and one of Morgan's last names as a middle
name. If their first child had been a boy, the middle name would
have been Mack, but since they had a girl, she was Ella Rose.
For their second child, due in October, they'll use Mack as a
middle name.
Alternatively, some parents give children four-name combinations
a first name, a middle name, and both mom and dad's last
names. Lynn Kusnierz and Mark Compton of Albany found that naming
their son Cole Thomas Kusnierz Compton was a simple way to keep
her name in the family without giving up the coveted middle name
slot, which they wanted to use to honor Mark's father. Their
5-year-old boy now goes by Cole Compton, but children with two
surnames may decide to use one or both as adults.
As long as mom and dad have different last names, though,
why shouldn't siblings? Ashley Walker and Martin Westhead of
San Francisco planned to use her surname for a girl and his for
a boy, so Faelan Westhead got his father's surname. When they
had a another son three years later, Ashley still wanted her
turn, so their second boy became Taye Walker.
Some men boldly sacrifice their own surname in favor of their
spouse's so that the family unit can share one last name. Making
the switch is easy enough for either gender you can find
the forms online on the Social Security Administration's website
but remember the attitude that women used to get (and sometimes
still do) for keeping their last names? Men who change them often
experience that in reverse.
"What difference does it make whether it's the man or
the woman who changes their name?" asks Amy West of Santa
Cruz, whose husband John sometimes gets criticized by Archie
Bunker types for taking her surname. Worse, since he didn't make
the switch right away, his name still reads John French on their
marriage certificate and the title to their first house. When
they had their first child, John made the official name change,
but when they went to buy a new house, the bank was leery. "They
asked for a bunch of redundant paperwork and we said, 'Just think
of it like when a woman changes her name,' but no," Amy
scoffs. "It's discrimination because it's a man doing it."
Some enterprising couples are even inventing family names
that aren't weighted toward one side or the other. The Queetos,
who live in Oakland, have a history of making up their own names.
Though he was born Robert Pfaendler, the name Arajara Pxpnkn
(Jara for short) came to him during meditation. When he married
Giovanna Capuani, they chose Queeto, a Native American name for
a special star, as their common surname. Naturally, when they
had a child, they couldn't pick just any old name from a baby
book! Instead, the Queetos knew that they were beginning a wonderful
adventure together, so they named their son Quest.
"The pregnancy and birth were so mystical and wrought
with meaning," Giovanna explains. "We knew this baby
would bring us on huge awakening journeys throughout our lives."
But if you can't decide on a last name, why not leave it blank?
Isa Sanford and J. Schmidt, who recently moved from San Leandro
to Nevada, didn't like either of their own surnames well enough
to pass them on to their daughter, so they decided to call her
Phoenix with no last name at all. "She can always
choose another name when she's older," says Sanford. "Maybe
her own made-up name that's special to her."
Sure, they had to fudge things on official documents, so her
birth certificate says "Phoenix" and her health insurance
card says "Phoenix Phoenix." And they still get flack
from family members who say, "When are you gonna give that
kid a last name?"
But since children mostly just go by first names anyway, Phoenix,
age four-and-a-half, hasn't missed having a last name yet. "We
think she'll explain it the way that we explain it she
has one name and it's Phoenix," says Sanford. "When
she's old enough to appreciate it, maybe she'll say it's like
Cher or Madonna."
So if you think you're stuck with your last name, think again.
In this brave new world of surname alternatives, you're free
to come up with your own creative solution.
Whitney Walker and Eric Reyes are co-authors
of The Perfect Baby Name: Finding the Name that Sounds Just
Right (Berkley, $13; www.theperfectbabyname.com).
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Name That Baby
Authors Whitney Walker and
Eric Reyes will hold a free baby naming workshop at Day One Center,
3490 California St., #203, San Francisco, on Saturday, Nov. 12,
at 12:30 p.m.
Bring your naming dilemma and
they'll show you how to match the rhythm of your last name with
complementary first names. Free. Reservations: (415) 440-3291.
www.theperfectbabyname.com.
The program will repeat in
San Jose on Tuesday, Nov. 22, at 7 p.m. Call (408) 281-1833 for
more information.
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