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 The
Non-Jewish Guide to Bar and Bat Mitzvahs
BY LINDA FOUST
© COPYRIGHT 2004 BY PARENTS'
PRESS
When seventh grade rolls around and kids start turning 13,
your child is likely to receive invitations to bar or bat mitzvahs.
If you're not Jewish and don't have close Jewish friends, you
may not have a clue about what to do.
First, relax. No one expects nonJews to know the ins and outs
of the occasion. The event represents a special birthday, and
the Bar/Bat Mitzvah child simply wants his friends to join in
celebrating "coming of age" in the Jewish faith.
You may get a save-the-date announcement far in advance of
the ceremony, and a formal invitation later. Either you and your
child, or your child alone, will be invited, depending on your
relationship to the family. Return the requested RSVP as soon
as possible so the hosts know how many to expect for the ceremony
and related festivities.
Here are some common questions:
What is the meaning of Bar and Bat Mitzvah?
A Bar or Bat Mitzvah is technically a "who," not
a "what." "Mitzvah" literally means "commandment"
in Hebrew, and "bar/bat mitzvah" means son or daughter
of the 613 "mitzvot," or commandments, of Judaism.
The child assumes adult responsibilities and practices and
gains corresponding rights in the faith. A Jewish boy thus becomes
a man in Judaism at age 13. Girls today often celebrate their
coming of age at 13 as well, but traditionally a girl became
Bat Mitzvah at 12, as girls were thought to mature earlier.
The coming of age actually happens automatically on the child's
birthday. Elaborate festivities to mark the occasion are a relatively
recent development that serves as a good excuse for friends and
extended family to gather. Ceremonies for girls are an even more
recent innovation than those for boys.
Bar/Bat Mitzvahs are traditionally held on the first Saturday
following the child's thirteenth birthday, but they can take
place at any time after that. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah has studied
the Torah, the Hebrew language, spirituality, prayer, Jewish
identity, liturgy, beliefs, and holidays for at least a year
(and often much longer) before the ceremony.
What is proper dress for attending a Bar or Bat Mitzvah?
Since a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is a religious ceremony, nice clothing
should be worn a jacket for boys and a modest dress for
girls. Males may be offered a yarmulke, or skullcap, to wear
at the ceremony. They may choose to wear it or not, but it is
acceptable for non-Jews to don it as a sign of respect if they
want to. Married Jewish men may wear prayer shawls, but non-Jews
do not. Traditionally, married Orthodox Jewish women wear a hat
or cover their heads during services, but that isn't usually
the case in other branches of Judaism.
For the festivities later, wear clothes appropriate for a
party at the specified time and location.
How do you congratulate the Bar/Bat Mitzvah?
You can say "mazel tov" or "congratulations."
Should you give a gift? What should it be?
Think of a Bar/Bat Mitzvah as a special birthday celebration;
a gift is appropriate. Choose anything you might give a birthday
boy or girl at age 13: gift certificates, CDs, books, software,
electronics.
In addition, money is a traditional and completely acceptable
gift. If you want, give in multiples of 18. In traditional Hebrew
numerology, the number values of the word "Chai," or
life, add up to 18, and multiples of that number are thought
to be auspicious. Since the Bar/Bat Mitzvah traditionally gives
a portion of his/her presents to charity, a gift of money makes
that obligation simpler.
If both you and your child attend the Bar/Bat Mitzvah, consider
giving a more significant present than if just your child was
invited.
One interesting gift idea is to plant a tree in Israel. This
costs $18 with the Jewish National Fund Trees, which will send
a certificate to the bar/mat mitzvah showing that the tree was
planted. Visit the website www.jnf.org for details.
You can find traditional Bar/Bat Mitzvah gifts at Judaica
stores or online (search Google for "bar mitzvah"),
but unless you're Jewish and know what the items are, you may
not feel comfortable giving them.
Bar/Bat Mitzvah greeting cards are widely available to accompany
your present.
When do you give the gift?
As with wedding gifts, it's best to bring the present to the
party later, not to the ceremony itself.
What happens at the party?
A party is often held the afternoon or evening of the Bar/Bat
Mitzvah at a site away from the synagogue. There may be games
and party favors for the kids and dancing for everyone. The Bar/Bat
Mitzvah may be held aloft in a chair as the crowd dances hand
in hand. All ritual and solemnity is finished. Enjoy yourself!
Linda Foust lives
in Oakland and is a former attorney turned artist and writer.
She is the author of three books, including The Single Parent's Almanac (Prima Publishing) and
has written fiction and nonfiction on a variety of subjects for
Parents' Press and other publications.
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What Happens
at the Ceremony?
The precise nature of the ceremony
depends on what "flavor" of Judaism is involved, together
with local synagogue practice.
Within the Jewish faith there
are many divisions, including Orthodox, Conservative, Reform,
Reconstructionist, and Renewal. Following is a general guide
to elements of the ceremony you may encounter:
Most Bar/Bat Mitzvahs choose
to have an individual rite, but sometimes two may occur together.
The ceremony will be held on
a Saturday morning as a part of the normal "Shabbat,"
or Jewish Sabbath, services. In some traditions, males and females
will be segregated for seating.
You may find candy or flowers
on the seats when you arrive. These are for you to toss at the
Bar/Bat Mitzvah later in the service as symbolic blessings when
he or she leads a procession with the Torah.
 This
is the first day the Bar/Bat Mitzvah will be allowed to wear
a "tallit," or a prayer shawl with fringes at the four
corners. The tallit is a symbol of taking on the 613 mitzvot,
and wrapping oneself in the tallit is said to allow you to feel
enclosed or sheltered by God. Though traditionally only for males,
both girls and boys wear the tallit in contemporary communities.
A rabbi will lead the ceremony
and offer a special blessing to the child. A cantor, or religious
singer, will usually sing, and the Bar/Bat Mitzvah's teacher
may play a part.
There will probably be a printed
guide for the congregation to follow along in the service, chanting
and singing in English or transliterated Hebrew. Jews are expected
to join in the prayers if they can; non-Jews need not, but they
are welcome to. Follow the lead of others when it comes to sitting
or standing. In fact, whenever in doubt during the ceremony,
watch to see what others do.
At some point during the service,
the Torah the ancient Hebrew scroll containing the five
books of Moses will be taken from its resting place in
the "ark," or box. ("Torah" literally means
"teaching" in Hebrew and can refer either to the scroll
itself or to all Judaic teachings.) To symbolize the passing
of Judaism's wisdom and traditions from generation to generation,
the Torah may be handed to the child by older family members.
The Bar/Bat Mitzvah will then
carry the Torah in a processional around the synagogue, which
is when the candy or flowers may be thrown as a symbolic shower
of blessings. You may see congregants reaching out to touch the
Torah with a prayer shawl as it passes. After the procession,
the Torah will be rolled open on a table in front of the congregation.
All over the world, Jewish
congregations read the same Torah portion for that day, uniting
them all in ritual and spirit. In its most basic form, the Bar/Bat
Mitzvah is "called to the Torah" to recite an "aliyah,"
or blessing, over the weekly reading from the Torah. In modern
ceremonies, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah also reads or chants the Torah
portion itself. Blessings are chanted before and after the reading.
After the Torah reading, the
Bar/Bat Mitzvah leads prayers and songs and presents a speech
with three parts: a summary of the Torah portion he or she read;
a "derashah," or interpretive teaching, based on the
Torah portion; and a discussion of the impact of God, Torah,
and Judaism on his or her life
A "Kiddush," or ceremonial
blessing over kosher wine and challah (a braided egg bread) follows
the ceremony.
Inform your child that grape
juice may be available in place of wine. If it is not, and if
you don't wish your child to partake of wine, he may simply eat
a bit of the bread. Wait until the rabbi has recited a short
blessing before eating or drinking.
-Linda Foust
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