Dr. Spock's Last Interview
 ©1994
by Parents' Press
By Lynne Verbeek
In one of his
last interviews, the late Dr. Benjamin Spock spoke with Parents'
Press about sex, marriage, children, and the common values than
can unite and strengthen a diverse America.
Parents' Press: The term family
values has so many different interpretations. What do you think
are the most important values?
Dr. Benjamin Spock: There are basic values that are universal:
love of family, honesty, respect of other people, and a sense
of idealism that inspires people to strive for greatness. I think
that the Golden Rule - treating other people with the same respect
you expect for yourself - is the basis of every religious or
spiritual value system the world has ever known.
Are you advocating a return
to religion?
I think that the children
and adults in families that adhere to a specific religion (as
I don't) or a firm set of moral standards (as I do) are fortunate.
Most human beings, by their nature, want to live by some set
of spiritual beliefs, whether or not they're part of a formal
religion. Most societies around the world have established religions,
based on similar moral precepts. It gives people's lives a firm
framework, explains the mysteries of nature, and tells people
clearly what their God and their fellow human beings expect of
them.
What should parents model
for or teach their children?
I think the most important
value by far is to bring up children excited about helping other
people, first in their family, and then other people outside.
More than anything else, children want to help - it makes them
feel grown up. That includes simple things like being able to
set the table. Parents say, "Oh, I can do it quicker myself,"
but that misses the point. Children should be encourged to help,
to be kind and loving to other people. I think these are the
spiritual values that are quite obvious, But we're not paying
enough attention to them.
So many kids are brought up to
think of themselves first. I've heard fathers say to their sons,
"You're in the world to get ahead, kid," I want to
demystify the idea of spirituality by showing that it comes down
to specifics like helping your parents at home, or imagining
how you can grow up to be a helpful person to the world, rather
than focusing on making a big pile of dough, or acheiving some
position in a company.
Anthropology studies from all
over the world show that children can be taught any set of values
that their parents and their group truly believe in. If children
worhip material success rather than truth or compassion, it is
because they have absorbed those values from others.
We should not let children grow
up believing that they are in the world primarily to acquire
posessions or to get ahead. If we give them no spiritual values
to live by, they are wide open to the materialism pounded in
by television programs, music videos and other commercial huckersterism.
What do you think of the influence
of television on our society?
Studies show that today,
many children and young people get their standards primarily
from movies and television. These media are so powerful that
only forceful parents with firm beliefs can counteract the amoral
or immoral values they often present. Yet objections to the glorification
of violence and casual sex in television and the movies are met
with protestations by civil rights activits about the chilling
effect of censorship, as if that were the only issue.
To reduce violence in our society,
we must eliminate violence in the home and on television. Parents
should stop thier children from watching inappropriate sex and
violence - no excuse by parents is really valid.
I think a lot of parents are
also really concerned about the constant emphasis on sex that
our children are bombarded with.
Sexuality has been depersonalized and coarsened in our society.
Children can see crass music videos in their homes, television
sitcoms built around bathroom jokes, soap operas and TV dramas
that celebrate casual sex and martial infidelity.
I think that the sex education
movement itself has contributed to this problem. Sex education
tries to eliminate the ignorance, fear and shame that was regularly
taught to children in the past. But without presenting the spiritul
and emotional aspects of sexuality, it teaches pure anatomy.
If children are only taught the physical aspects of sex, they
have no reason not to experiment.
Partly as a result, I think,
many teenagers today regard sex not as any part of a spiritual
relationship, but as a game of conquest or simply a sensual indulgence.
I remember a 13-year-old girl who said to me, "Listen, sex
is a perfectly normal instinct meant to be enjoyed."
It is meant to be enjoyed, but
just as important, it needs to be cultivated. You need to be
thinking of the other person, not just of yourself. I think we
need to bring in the spiritual aspects that marrige is not for
personal gratification, it is wanting to live the rest of your
life with somebody, helping them, and raising fine children.
How do you explain sex to
a young child, say in the 3 to 6 age group?
Children begin to ask
about why boys and girls are different around the age of 2 1/2.
By 3 or 3 1/2, they want to know where babies come from. The
child wants a simple answer, like, the baby grows in the mother's
abdomen. It may be a couple more years before the child says,
by the way, what's a father for, or why do you need to be married?
Answer your child's questions
simply but, I also want to say, not so simply that you leave
out the spiritual aspect. I think that every time a child asks
a question related to sex, parents should explain that sex is
part of what makes a man and woman fall in love, want to get
married, help each other, take care of each other, and take care
of children together.
The depth and details depend
on your child's age, but I think that love, consideration and
kindness should always be emphazised.
My upbringing was full of mystery
and shame and embarassment about sexuality, and that was good
to get rid of. But getting rid of the shame should be compensated
by talk about the spiritual aspects of loving each other and
helping each other, and what the purpose of marrying and having
children really is.
One issue that's caused some
discussion among our readers recently is the ideal spacing between
siblings - some say three years is ideal, some say closer is
better because they play together. What are your thoughts on
that?
There's really no predicting ahead of time how things are going
to turn out. Two years apart is one of the commonest spaces.
Some are happy relationships, others are fiercely rivalrous.
Parents shouldn't expect that there won't be any rivalry just
because one child is three or four years older.
You try to ameliorate the rivalry
by preparing the child ahead of time, letting him feel the abdomen,
letting him see mom deal with other children in the neighborhood.
With a 2-year-old, you have to be a little bit ingenious.
You have not be too excited about
the baby. I think that some parents, in trying to prepare the
child, get so excited and ask the child to get so excited that
the child says there's going to be hell to pay here.
With the holiday season coming
up, do you have any suggestions about how parents can downplay
the materialistic and commercial aspects?
I think greeting cards
are an abomination. When birthdays and special holidays come
around, children should be encouraged to make their own cards
and gifts. I still remember how excited I was in about third
grade to make a blotter pad for my parents for Christmas, lacing
the pieces of paper together with a ribbon, and drawing a special
picture of a house wih smoke spiraling out of the chimeny. That
was many years ago, and I remember that wonderful feeling of
excitement and anticipation, waiting for my mother and father
to open the gift.
I want to stretch this idea by
saying it's more enjoyable to give than to receive, but people
won't believe me. so I'll say, I think it's as enjoyable.
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About Dr. Spock
The late Dr. Benjamin Spock is
still a household name - not only for new mothers today, but
also for many of our mothers, who raised us by Spock's famous
book, Baby and Child Care.
Born in 1903. Benjamin Spock
lived through much American history: two World Wars, the Depression
and life as a pediatrician, medical school teacher, political
activist (arrested at the age of 65 for his anti-Vietnam ware
activities), and renowned author. His first marriage ended in
divorce after 48 years, and he was married to Mary Morgan for
more than 18 years. He had two grown sons, one stepdaughter,
and five grandchildren.
Then, at the age of 92, Spock
published a book that reflects the wisdom of his accumulated
experience. In A Better World for Our Children: Rebuilding
American Family Values, Spock reflects on how our society
has changed, the problems of violence and materialism, and how
we can strengthen the family and create a brighter future.
I spoke to Dr. Spock at his home
in Maine in the autumn of 1994, just as his book was being released
in bookstores.
-Lynne Verbeek
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