An Interview with Anthony
E. Wolf
Siblings, Rivalry, and
What to Do About Them
Reviewed by Melanie
Lawrence
Review copyright 2004 by Parents' Press
"Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me!":
The Solution to Sibling Bickering by Anthony E. Wolf,
Ph.D. (Ballantine Books, 2003, 204 pp., $12.95 ).
Clinical psychologist and author Dr. Anthony E. Wolf, who
made his publishing mark with Get Out of My Life, but First
Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? and other pragmatic
child-rearing manuals, is back with another nifty title, Mom,
Jason's Breathing on Me!, a guide to sibling rivalry that
pulls no punches and employs lots of teaching stories.
In his book, Wolf discusses in detail his three rules for
dealing with warring siblings. In brief:
 Don't take sides.
Act fast (or not at all).
Don't listen that is, don't listen
to siblings' complaints about one another [unless there's possibility
of harm.]
 Parents'
Press talked with Dr. Wolf recently when he was in town promoting
MJBOM!, and found him as emphatic in person as he is on the page.
Parents' Press:
How frequent is sibling rivalry? And is it normal?
Anthony E. Wolf: It's very common and it's very normal
for a child to want in fact, to passionately want
to be the center of attention, although, of course, this desire
is also affected by individual temperament. And kids express
hostility toward their siblings more openly now, because in general
they fear their parents less than earlier generations did; we
don't use harsh punishments any more, or at least it's now regarded
as child abuse, and so kids aren't as well-behaved as they used
to be. But kids who may be bratty at home can be fine in the
outside world. Parents get the baby self, the regressed version
of our kids, and outsiders the mature self.
It's unpleasant, but there are things parents can do to reduce
that's reduce, not eliminate the back talk they get.
PP: Do you think family size affects sibling rivalry?
AEW: I think that a big family, four or five or more
kids, can have older siblings choosing to be in the role of de
facto parents, so bickering doesn't always end up in parents'
court. But the bickering and the competition over space and possessions
is always going to happen, whatever the family's size.
PP: What about birth order?
AEW: No. Birth order in a given family can be crucial,
but it depends on the kids' personalities and on what's happening
in that particular family. And you can also get two siblings
who don't argue much, but that's just personality type.
PP: What about the effects of age spacing? Have you
found that there's an especially easy or difficult age group?
AEW: I would say absolutely that it doesn't make any
difference. There really isn't a good or a bad spacing. You're
going to get what you get, and the parents' convenience is a
better consideration when it comes to spacing their children.
Same with divorce: there's no perfect age at which children will
be less affected by it.
PP: What's the dividing line between normal sibling
rivalry vs. Cain and Abel? What are the warning signs?
AEW: There are kids who, because of their particular
personalities, really rub up against each other. Often there's
one of the two who's more difficult. If you, as a parent, at
any given time don't feel completely safe about your kids' being
left alone together, seek some outside help and keep closer supervision.
Rather than looking for specific signs, remember that you know
your children and the situation better than anyone else.
PP: Trust your gut then?
AEW: Yes!
PP: When, if ever, does sibling rivalry ease up?
AEW: In young adulthood. They often get to be good
friends then.
PP: But how do you define young adulthood?
AEW: There's actually a precise moment: It's that high
school graduation ceremony, when everyone throws their caps in
the air that long arc downward as the caps all fall. That's
the beginning of young adulthood, that and the funny summer between
high school and college.
PP: You're right; that is a strange few months! Any
general parenting advice for our readers?
AEW: Parents should remember that while the occasional
"no" is very important, you need to detach for your
own sake, instead of raving out of control. Lectures don't have
any effect on children. Sometimes you will rave at them anyway,
of course, but that's okay.
The most important way to produce good people, though, is to
spend positive, comforting time with them, what I call "time
to no purpose." Unscheduled time. A very little unscheduled
time can go a very long way as far as kids are concerned.
Melanie Lawrence
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