Gay Dads
Reviewed by Melanie
Lawrence
Review copyright 2003 by Parents' Press
Gay Dads: A Celebration of Fatherhood
by David Strah with Susanna Margolis; photographs by Kris
Timken (G.P. Putnam, 2003, 265 pp., $23.95).
As its title and subtitle indicate, Gay
Dads is indeed a book about all these gay guys who have
kids, but it's also 24 stories about the longing for parenthood
and the ways in which families are built, through intention and
love and hard work.
It's also about expectations of all kinds, and about overcoming
them: In coming out as gay men, says Chuck, partner of Richard,
father of Alex and Elvis, who were adopted as toddlers from Russia
and Romania, our generation had to give up the idea of parenthood.
We were raised in the idea that gay men would never be fathers,
and many of us substituted 'stuff' for not being able to be parents
designer dogs, showplace homes, careers .... Part of having
a family is to regenerate that part of me that prizes the relationships
that remain eternal .... My strongest desire is to be a full-time
dad.
Most of these men are in couples, but several are single dads,
one a single grandparent as well. They adopted domestically or
internationally for the most part, although surrogacy was the
choice for a few of the couples Strah interviewed. Some became
the fathers of newborns, some of toddlers and older children.
Many of their kids are of a different race. Quite a few are disabled
in some way or come from a background of neglect and abuse.
"Typical" adoption stories the search for
a birth mother, the waiting, the hopes raised and crushed, the
birth, the endless adjustments figure here, and so do more
extreme examples, like Jon from Long Island, New York, and his
Cuban-born companion Rob: one breadwinner father and one stay-at-home
dad. Both men are active in the community; John, in fact, was
Long Island's first openly gay elected county official: Precisely
because we were now raising a kid, I said to Jon that we had
to be a part of the community, and we were going to be proud
of our family. They have five children, all of Latin American
origin and all adopted as newborns over a period of nine years.
The chronicle of "Grandpa Eddie" is less buoyant,
but no less heartening for that. A New York City teacher, Ed
Robinson became dad to two troubled adolescent boys. Sammy died
of a drug overdose when he was 22; David survived the emotional
damage of his childhood, just as Ed, now a grandfather, overcame
the alcoholism to which he retreated after his son's death. In
his roles as father and grandfather, he eventually found self-acceptance,
both as a black male and a homosexual: You grow up. You begin
to see life as a whole different process. You learn what love
is at a level where you haven't given or done much of anything
to deserve it, but you receive it anyway.
Strah, the father of two and a former professional fundraiser,
and Margolis write like veteran journalists, their prose vivid
yet concise. (And they've included a knowledgeable appendix
of resources for gay people who are interested in becoming parents.)
Gay Dads is a genuine page turner,
and sometimes a bit of a weeper, too, further embellished by
the poignant black-and-white portraits of Marin County photographer
Kris Timken. Highly recommended for any man, gay or straight,
who wants to learn to be a dad.
Note that a book party for Gay Dads
takes place Saturday, June 21, 2003, 4-6 p.m., at 364 Hayes St.
Gallery, San Francisco. Children are welcome, too, and there
are activities planned for them. RSVP: (415) 336-7585.
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