Don't Laugh at Me!
New books
spotlight teasing and social cruelty among kids
Reviewed by Melanie
Lawrence
Copyright 2002 by Parents' Press
Trendies. Jocks. Nerds. Skaters. Geeks. Retard. Fatso.
Spaz. Queer. Weirdo. Dork. Slut. Loser. Close your eyes and let
your mind linger on whatever arises. Remember the last time those
words or similar ones had a real and painful meaning
for you. (Or, perhaps, recall when you yourself were the bully.)
No matter how old or genuinely self-confident we adults might
seem, even be, the memory of that undeserved put-down (or the
hard, purposeful shove in the hallway or the dismissive laugh)
lingers, sometimes reignited by a casual remark at work or on
the street. Those ugly moments in school violate what most children
are born with: a passionate sense of justice.
At what point does a little teasing about a bad hair cut or
a good grade segue into bullying? And when does bullying, bad
enough in itself, cross the line into actual abuse? Most kids
don't understand the concept of not taking it personally; when
should a parent stop merely listening and soothing, and take
action to help a struggling son or daughter?
We've been collecting recent books and other resources to help
children and their families find solutions to the problem of
teasing and bullying. (Let us know if you have anything to add!)
FOR PARENTS
Easing the Teasing: Helping Your Child
Cope with Name-Calling, Ridicule, and Verbal Bullying
by Judy S. Freedman, MSW, LCW (Contemporary Books, 2002, 266
pp., $14.95).
Easing the Teasing is what school social worker Freedman calls
her program to teach young children skills for dealing with taunts
and bullying. She believes that learning such techniques as self-talk,
visualization, "agree with the facts," and humor can
defuse the sense of helplessness that besets the bullied. (And
she doesn't forget the bullies themselves and what their parents
must do to help them out of the habit.) Freedman's strategies
are portable and so can also be implemented as part of a school-wide
anti-teasing program. A canny guide for the families of children
who are just starting school and for older kids as well.
Cliques: 8 Steps to Help Your Child
Survive the Social Jungle by Charlene C. Giannetti and
Margaret Sagarese (Broadway Books, 2001, 244 pp., $14).
Adolescent society can indeed be a predatory jungle, peopled
by cliques instead of jaguars. Giannetti and Sagarese they
also cowrote Parenting 911 and The Roller-Coaster Years
relate some real horror stories about "the cruel climate
that dominates our schools": the life-threatening e-mails
sent to one 12-year-old boy, physical attacks on the playground,
cases of clinical depression caused by incessant bullying. Nevertheless,
this is a positive and a pragmatic book as well. After a rather
swift but intelligent introduction to the causes of bullying,
the authors swing into their eight steps, designed to help both
bully and bullied and to lobby for change in the school and community.
Along the way, we get some excellent, hands-on advice and tips:
what you can do immediately to help your child avoid abuse, times
during the day when cliques are visible to adults (just in case
you can't believe your child's stories!), where in school to
start lobbying for change, and a nifty self-test on whether you're
helping or hurting your adolescent's quest for popularity.
Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding
the Social Lives of Children by Michael Thompson, Ph.D.,
and Catherine O'Neill Grace, with Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D. (Ballantine
Books, 2001, 299 pp., $14).
If you're a parent seeking to understand the social complexities
of the playground set, Best Friends is as good a place as any
to start. It begins with that familial rite of passage, the female
slumber party, presided over by a parent who's longing to shout,
"Get out! You're all mean! You're all horrible." Years
later, child psychologist Thompson is still shaken by the memory
of what his daughter now shrugs off: "Why are twelve-year-old
girls so caught up in politics and treachery? Why is it that
I can't get over the social disasters in my children's lives
when they seem to have moved on?" Like Giannetti and Sagarese,
Thompson and company characterize "power and the group"
as a jungle. Using theory, research, and anecdotes, they've also
done a fine job analyzing the developmental stages of childhood
friendships, the role cruelty plays in them, and "the rules
of the gender game," ending with a soothing chapter on what
parents can do to foster their children's capacity for friendship.
Mom, They're Teasing Me: Helping Your
Child Solve Social Problems by Michael Thompson, Ph.D.,
and Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D., with Catherine O'Neill Grace (Ballantine
Books, 2002, 272 pp., $22.95).
As implied above, this team's previous book is a fairly theoretical
introduction to the social life of the child. Mom, They're Teasing
Me, however, is a hands-on, how-to guide for bewildered parents,
whatever age their offspring. (The introduction is titled, "It
All Started When She Hit Me Back....") Psychologists Thompson
and Cohen and children's author Grace employ a reader-friendly
approach of Q-and-A and case studies, taking special care to
sort out the differences between "normal social pain"
and children who are at risk in their social lives.
Queen Bees & Wannabes: Helping Your
Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities
of Adolescence by Rosalind Wiseman (Crown Publishers,
2002, 336 pp., $24).
Remember "Girls Just Want to Be Mean," the New York
Times piece on adolescent cliques that was all over the Net earlier
this year? Rosalind Wiseman is that article's adult protagonist
and cofounder of the Empower Program, a nonprofit that works
to help children stop violence. She's also the author of this
fascinating, often scary, and sometimes hilarious look at American
teen girl culture. While we fondly like to imagine that our mellow
Northern California daughters aren't quite as vicious as Wiseman's
Northeast minxes, this is still necessary reading for the parents
of girls 12 and up. Meet the Queen Bee (self-explanatory), the
Banker (she hoards and lends information), the Floater (member
of more than one clique), the Target (perennially set up for
humiliation); see what they gain and lose by taking on these
roles. Learn to how to listen, most crucial of all parental skills.
Find out how to tell when your daughter's lying to you (and what
to do next). Grit your teeth and read up on boys, girls, sex,
and drugs. Discover the role race plays in popularity and standards
of beauty. In other words, enter, if you dare, a bizarre and
terrifying realm, and learn how to survive your daughter's trek
through it.
FOR CHILDREN
Don't Laugh at Me by Steve Seskin
and Allen Shamblin; illustrations by Glin Dibley (Ten Speed Press,
2002, 30 pp., $16.95).
"Don't laugh at me. Don't call me names," runs Seskin
and Shamblin's hit song. "Don't get your pleasure from my
pain." An instant sing-along classic at many summer camps,
the lyrics to Don't Laugh at Me are now a book as well, accompanied
by illustrations that are by turns nightmarish and inspiring.
What's more, the song recently gave birth to an anti-bullying
organization, Operation Response's Don't Laugh at Me Project,
founded by Peter Yarrow (as in Peter, Paul & Mary), who also
wrote the book's afterword. A musical score and an instrumental
CD are included.
Please note that singer-songwriter Steve Seskin, a Bay Area resident,
will perform at Children's Fairyland in Oakland on Oct. 13; details
in our Family Calendar.
Time to Tell 'Em Off! A Pocket Guide
to Overcoming Peer Ridicule by Deanna Miller (Booklocker.com,
Inc., 2002, 105 pp., $11.95).
Herself a bullied child, writer-editor Miller takes her revenge
by writing well about what she learned from being an object of
ridicule. The calmly confiding tone of Time to Tell 'Em Off!
should persuade many children, especially younger ones, that
they, too, can overcome harassment. Written in the first and
second persons, directly addressing a bullied readership, Miller
explains the reasons kids make fun of other kids. (No "poor
self-esteem" emphasis here; she cites "the way you
look...the way you act...[and, briefly] what's wrong with them.")
Relying on her own history for examples, she offers both psychological
and practical strategies for avoiding victimhood, followed by
a section of self-defense tactics, including what to do when
friends turn on you. The strongest advice of all? Miller's conclusion:
"The most important thing you can do is treat yourself with
kindness, no matter how anyone else treats you."
|
For more information about bullying,
see Bullies
& Victims
on this site. |
