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Growth and Development

Bully Behavior

It’s More a Matter of Point of View

Question
     Can a toddler be a bully? I know that that is a strong word for a 20-month-old, but my little boy is practically that. I don’t want James to be labeled as a bully, but it may be too late. If he wants something he takes it, and if the other child resists, he’ll grab with one hand and push with the other. He’s shoved some children so hard that they cry. It’s getting to the point that I’m afraid to have him around other kids unless they’re old enough to defend themselves (he’s fine with 3- and 4-year-olds).

Answer
     It’s way too soon to worry about whether James is going to be a bully. Right now, he’s acting like a 1-year-old. Toddlers do hit, shove and grab, not because they are bullies, but because they haven’t yet learned that such behavior is a bad idea.
     Right now James is more interested in how he feels and what he wants. A toddler sees the world from his point of view, and that point of view only. When he sees an interesting toy, he wants it and goes after it. If another toddler is between him and his destination, he is as likely to plow right over her as he is to circle politely around. What is on his mind is taking a direct, fast route to the toy. He is not capable of considering the effect of his behavior on others.
     A 20-month-old can’t put his desires into words. If James notices that another child has a toy he wants, or is standing in his way, he takes the action that makes the most sense to him. He can’t say, “May I play with that?” or “Will you move, please?,” but he can hit or shove, and the other child will often yield.
     From James’ point of view, hitting or shoving behavior becomes a very useful way for him to get what he wants.
Even if you respond firmly to James’ behavior, he may not be discouraged. That’s because as a toddler, he is getting a lot more out of the situation than you might think. A toddler is usually curious about “what happens next?,” and the results of hitting are often very interesting. Sometimes the other child cooperates, sometimes she cries, sometimes a parent yells, and almost always he gets a great deal of attention for his actions. For the 1-year-old who is trying to figure out how the world works and what causes things to happen, this variety of responses is so stimulating that he is likely to continue to hit and shove just to see what happens.
     Occasionally a 1-year-old will hit and shove other children because he has learned to hit and shove at home. Does James have an older sibling who pushes him around and hits him when he wants something? Are you allowing James to hit or shove parents or other adults because “it doesn’t hurt?” Is James watching TV or videos with characters who hit and shove? Toddlers imitate what they observe elsewhere, and they will act out what happens to them in one situation by trying out the same behavior somewhere else. So it’s a good idea to look at your toddler’s role models for behavior before you try to make changes in his behavior alone.
     Some toddlers are more physical than others in the way they express themselves. They may be big in size and unaware of how much larger and stronger they are from other children. When they move about a room you may think of a “bull in a china shop.” You might notice that a child like this does well at a park but hits and shoves other children if they are playing inside. If James is like this, try to avoid places where he is squeezed in tightly, or where there are several children and not enough room for him to move about freely.
     In order to stop James from hitting or shoving other children, you’ll have to take some time to figure out when this behavior is most likely to occur. You might notice that he hits others when he is tired, or hungry or is over-stimulated. If that’s the case, then you will want to avoid other children at these times or stay very close to him when you know he’s feeling edgy. It’s particularly important to avoid casual toddler playgroups where parents are sometimes socializing rather than supervising. In those situations, in order to participate safely, you should be next to James to intervene before there’s a problem.
     Some parents feel comfortable waiting to intervene if other children are not upset. It’s true that other toddlers may not be bothered by James, and some parents will be OK with letting the behavior go. However, toddlers tend to push limits, and you may find that the hitting or shoving tends to escalate if you don’t interfere. If that’s the case with James, you will want to act even if the “victim” doesn’t seem to mind at first. Some ways to respond are to go sit between the children when the behavior starts, to distract the children with a new activity or to separate the children briefly, saying, “We don’t hit.” If you overreact excitedly, you are likely to fuel your toddler’s desire to repeat the behavior so he can see you get upset again.
     If the other child does react to being hit or shoved, watch James’ face to get clues to how to manage his behavior. He may look surprised or bewildered or may not pay any attention at all to the child he has hurt. In this case, you need to help him learn that his hitting made the other child sad or mad. Have him look at the other child, and say, “She’s sad because you hit her. We don’t hit. Hitting hurts.”
     If the hitting or shoving is occurring often and James really isn’t “getting it,” you can use stuffed animals to show him how hitting makes others feel. Have two teddy bears play next to each other having fun, and then make one bear hit the other. The bear who is hurt can cry, and the bear who has hit can say, “I’m sorry.” You can also play out the big bear coming in and telling the little bears not to hit or shove. If you take a minute to play this way once or twice a day, James will make the connections.
     However, if James does seem to understand that his hitting or shoving bothers others but he still does it, he may be testing you to see what the limits are. If you try to ignore or simply distract a toddler who is asking for limits, he will continue to misbehave and in most cases will increase his misbehavior until someone stops him. If this is the pattern you are seeing with James’ hitting, you should intervene quickly and firmly every time he hits, without giving him any warnings or second chances. Take him away from the group and sit with him for a few minutes while you quietly tell him: “No hitting.” By keeping your response low key but firm and consistent, he will learn that the outcome of hitting isn’t exciting or interesting; it’s just a boring “time out.” Even more important, he will know that you have set a limit on his behavior and that he can count on you to control his impulses even when he can’t control them himself.
      It takes practice to become a bully, and James is way too young now to have that behavior part of his usual interaction style. By staying close by, and interrupting the patter quickly, he’ll get through this stage and so will you.

     Meg Zweiback is a certified pediatric nurse practitioner and family consultant in Oakland. She has helped thousands of Bay Area families meet the challenges of everyday life with children. She is the author of four books for parents including Keys to Toilet Training. Her website www.bringingupkids.com has downloadable information and handouts for parents and teachers.

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